On the rare chance that you are familiar with my site, you may notice the theme of becoming throughout it. Whether it’s the symbolisation of the swirl, the way it’s sprawled over the description, shown in my artwork or subtly intertwined into some of my posts. This concept is something that I hold near to my soul and it’s one that’s helped ease the questions I’ve had around my existence for so long. 

I was first introduced to this belief a couple of months ago, it was my first time going solo travelling. I remember a couple of years ago, whilst in hospital a nurse mentioned her experience and how much joy it brought. I looked at her mortified as though she’d just confessed to a hideous crime. I was so confused as to how anybody could ever enjoy that – being alone? Intentionally? In a foreign country? She explained the joys and I understood the appeal but it remained unimaginable. At the time, I hated solidarity, the brain I was living life through was hellish. Now, I love my alone time and I have done for a while – but for so long that was fuelled by distraction. I enjoyed my solidarity whilst having things to do and the trip I took really emphasised the discomfort of sitting with myself. 

It was my first week there and I FaceTimed my mum one morning for a catch up and we got onto talking about books. She told me how she was reading a story called ‘Go as a river’ by Shelley Read and how she saw myself in the main character. I must admit I did actually receive this book for Christmas but I have spent the past 2 months procrastinating reading a self-help book because sometimes, I ain’t always in a self-help mood and unfortunately reading two books at the same time is an impossible task for me. She read me an excerpt that she felt would resonate with me – and it very much so did. 

“Strength, I had learned, was like this littered forest floor, built up of small triumphs and infinite blunders, sunny hours followed by sudden storms that tore it all down. We are one and all alike if for no other reason than the excruciating and beautiful way we grow piece by unpredictable piece, falling, pushing from the debris, rising again, and hoping for the best.”

She the went on to explain how within this book, their belief is rooted in this ‘journey of becoming’. It was something that made my soul smile at the time and a concept kept close to my heart since. 

The day I write this, it’s the official start to the year of the fire horse – a day I have been craving for the past few months. 2025 was the year of the snake and what a year it was! The snake year is one that teaches you to shed what no longer serves you. Old beliefs past patterns resurface to show you that they truly don’t serve you. New stories being written and old chapters being closed serve as lessons. On New Years’ Eve, as I sat reflecting on the year I saw clearly how every experience and carefully crafted me into the being I was that night. An existing subtle trust within the universe turned deeply genuine that night. 

The final part of the snake year is said to be intense – I really can vouch for that. The past few months have been spent once again battling struggles I believed I had conquered. They’ve consumed me and left me confused – questioning how on earth I was back where it all started. Invincible, I felt like I had it all in 2025 and suddenly in 2026 I was left helpless and broken in a pit despair. That’s where the year of the horse comes into play. A year of transformation and liberation rooted in the being you are. One that is lived by your own truth, on your own accord, lead by your intuition. You can imagine the optimism I felt first hearing this. 

Now, I know that one day and a calendar change won’t magic away all my pain, but there’s been something different within me the past few weeks. This foreign feeling, this feeling of knowing. A knowing of my worth, a realisation of the power within my potential and a desire for difference. This awareness, that for the first time ever that I deserve more than this. A brain trapped in an illness full of deceit and life lived tormented by the fear of the depth to my emotions is not serving me – it never has done. It’s subtle and it’s gradual – but it’s a genuine desire. I feel it deep in the depths of my soul and each day that passes that knowing grows.  

So much of my life I have lived it rooted in a  belief that there will be a final destination. That eventually I will reach a point where everything I have worked for has paid off and at last, I’ll have it all figured out. I think so many of us believe this anyway, and we’re conditioned to do so. Society is persistently perpetuating our minds with the idea that we’re not doing enough and that our life is defined by our achievements. We are in this rat race of chasing the next best thing regardless of the detriment, because what we have now will never be enough. 

I will never reach that point, because that ‘point’ isn’t real. It’s something to fuel the power of others and I’m tired of living a life with a constant sense of inadequacy. I want a life lived with a sense of self. Our existence is a tumultuous journey to say the least. A constant wave of highs and lows, always taking steps forwards just to be followed by set backs. Every emotion related to pain, I focused so much on eradicating it that I forgot what lays within it. Every emotion linked to joy was spent wanting to prolong it that I couldn’t truly experience it. We seek change so much that we can never be present for what’s already meeting us. Even when it comes to my appearance, so much time is spent despising the identity I hold, longing for a difference that I don’t see the beauty within until a couple of months later when I spend an evening looking through old photos, sighing to myself and longing for that ‘beauty’ back. Change is inevitable and that’s a realisation I’m learning to accept rather than control. 

I know that there will never be a point where I think ‘I have made it’. The list of things to do, dreams to achieve and memories to make is ever growing. I am always evolving, the person I am is constantly changing and new discoveries about the being I am are always being learnt.  So, rather than living a life spent in deceit that there’s an end goal in sight, I want to move through it all rooted in a sense of self. This precious, fragile fleeting life shall not be spent chasing something that doesn’t exist but instead embracing the journey along the way. A journey of becoming.