As much as I would like this to be a riveting blog full of travel recommendations and funny anecdotes of experiences I had – it’s more so a piece of writing about a girl questioning her existence whilst trying to process her trauma in a foreign country. 

13.01.26

Okay, hello there and welcome to my Amsterdam recap. Now to give context to this, I flew out on the 30th of December, stayed throughout New Years and then flew back on January 2nd. Now, you may think oh, ‘this is just a late recap’, ‘silly hope procrastinating’,  WRONG! The night of coming back I started researching flights and accommodations and by the next night, it was booked. I flew out again on the 7th, and here I am now on a random Tuesday afternoon writing and reminiscing on my time spent here and the journey within. 

Before coming to Amsterdam, I needed an escape. I had been back in the UK for a week or so after returning from a month in the mountains of Portugal – a trip where everything I was running from swallowed me whole. All of that pain, that hurt, that anger, that trauma… it consumed me. It broke me, and I let it break me. Knowing I could try to run away from the torment of life with a few day trip to Amsterdam thrilled me… it gave me a slither of optimism for life. I loved being there, being free to run away from my problems – but in such a beautiful way. I rambled away on my first night here about how wonderful the city is, the kind nature of others, the diversity within – not just accepting it but celebrating it.

Being different is something I have always struggled with… this constant pressure to be perfect and conform. I never feel like I can fit in and I have no clue who I am. I’m very obviously different, a neurodiverse brain, an unwell mind, wonky scars and funky tattoos. The list goes on, but knowing that I am so obviously different yet feeling this constant pressure to conform – that is what breaks me. Here, in Amsterdam, I feel like those differences are respected and appreciated. 

My first night here I stumbled around mesmerised by the beauty of it all, the interesting architecture, the vibrant colours. After eventually falling asleep, I arose to get glammed up and explore the city – where I then became even more captivated by the area around me. I spent way too much money and a lot of impulsive purchases were made. It was called a ‘f*ck it!’ trip in all fairness. On New Years Eve I had a whole spiritual awakening with the universe where I realised that every mistake, every lesson, every loss, every connection mad, all the twists and turns within the year crafted me into who I was that night going into 2026. The universe told me to make a podcast through burning an intention each day from the winter solstice. 

The final full day in Amsterdam was spent in exhaustion and wrong turns. Me and my friend were both still half asleep as we gradually got ready to go back into the centre. We wandered round aimlessly, stumbling through to mid food places and escaping to random shops in avoidance of the cold rain. The evening was spent napping and contemplating life despite having planned to involve getting glam and going to a bar to celebrate the New Year. 

Throughout this whole time, I had debated whether to stay and book some extra nights in the hotel or to leave and come back, or just leave. Anyway, as I mentioned, that first night back I was plotting my return. During that wait period, I monged out pretty hard. I tried to dip my toe back into social interaction and opened up about my feelings. But I was longing for an escape. 

The journey to get here is a whole story in itself. Days prior, my friend had been randomly sending me screenshots of Tik Toks and news articles about flights to Amsterdam being cancelled. The internal stress rose, the anxious side of me panicked and the OCD rituals to soothe my mind claiming that ✨everything would be okay✨ kicked back in. I still went ahead with everything and escaped into my art.

I met a lovely girl at the airport with THE coolest hair ever, a security guard who had to battle the many zips of my backpack whilst we laughed about being an over packer. I did unfortunately have to bin my brand new magnesium sleep butter which is a godsend for not making me a cranky b!tch. My flight kept getting delayed until I checked and suddenly it was final boarding. Obviously, I sprinted to the gate until an employee came to tell us that – “it was a mistake but the plane is here.” I sat and observed the other passengers, call me a weirdo but people watching is fun. I met the loveliest mother and daughter who sat next to me on the flight as we talked about holistic care and the Pringle duck face and unapologetically danced when the plane left and landed. I met a lovey taxi driver who swindled me into a little extra money than an uber, but the conversation and human interaction was well worth it. I laughed with a security guard about hating where you’re from and crashed out after a long day of discomfort. 

The first day here, I felt superior as I proceeded to do a grocery shop and explore the surrounding area. I let my creative brain loose and got into a deep spiral about human perception and more so – how am I perceived? A question that taunts me every day. The next day here I had a beautiful afternoon of Ashtanga, gentle stretching and writing. It was a beautiful release and an opportunity to let those weird ‘suppressed’ parts of me, spill out onto paper. I tried bridges and headstands, I stood in awe as I watched the crisp snowflakes fall on my window and I wandered round the quiet, cold, cozy town. 

Saturday was a day when I started to hit a bit of a depression rut, but I tried to envision the future, goals and dreams to achieve. I stayed good for that, trying to stay moving so it couldn’t hit me. I walked into the town again, which has become a bit of a routine but I indulged to exploring more than just the one supermarket. I bought myself a unicorn to remind myself that – ‘why be a horse when you can be an even cooler unicorn?’ I named her ‘pashmina’ since that’s my favourite word at the moment – Nina for short. I gallivanted around in my Micheal Scott T-shirt that day as I tried to work on the connection to my inner child. 

Sunday, the rot rut got the better of me. The deep, dark, scary questions have consumed my brain throughout this trip, these questions that send me into an extessential crisis, that make me loose my sense of identity and place in the world. The questions that force you to feel. I tried to loose myself in the world of pictures of dreams, aspirations and pretty colours and got locked into creating my vision board. I wallowed in self pity and saw myself as broken. I lost myself in art and tried to express the suppressed emotions and navigate those feelings. I had a smidge of human interaction during a work meeting that I had spent all day moping about in ‘wait mode’ for – and then moped even more realising I was having to wait an extra hour for it here on dutch time.

Im here writing this now and reflecting on the experience and the journey within the trip and I think I have a few notes from what I have learnt…

I think that sometimes it’s good to let that sh!t swallow you whole for a bit. The deep, dark, twisty parts of your brain that get caged away in terror for the effects they have – let them loose. Feel that pain, let that anger posses you and the trauma consume you. But, it’s very important you listen to these two things I have to say… 

Firstly, do what you can to make that processing process a little more beautiful. Let yourself be spiteful and scared of the world, but at least allow yourself a nurturing space to do it in. It would be different for everybody since we all have different ideas of safety – but for me, that’s being away from everyone, the places of pain, the memories of it all. Maybe a bit dramatic, but ran to an AirBnB in Amsterdam with no responsibilities or roles to fulfil. Secondly, don’t wallow for too long. Eventually, you need to realise the fact that you deserve a beautiful life, and you’re worthy of immersing yourself within that. Life is about feeling, so stop running from them, trying to numb them, and let them exist. The natural human urge to feel. 

This trip has shown me that in order to have a beautiful life, I have to feel it. Face all the torment, but also embrace all of the joys.

I want to leave this piece of writing here, in Amsterdam, on the cold vibrant balcony of my AirBnB.

Amsterdam, you will always have a piece of me x

Hope